Calling...

So the next two weeks will be a test of a "calling" I think I could potentially have for my future.

Honestly, I think I have lots of "callings". I think that's probably what one of my biggest problems is in life. I feel "called" to do LOTS of things and then I wear myself out trying to do all the things I think God wants me to do with my life. People tell me to stop doing so much, but then I think God will be upset with me if I don't get it all done. And Jesus did a lot of stuff and if I am suppose to be like Jesus, then I need to suck it up and keep working. Ha, I realize this sounds very much like a works-based salvation and despite the fact that I strongly believe and am thankful for God's grace, I continue to live with constant guilt due to the fact that I never feel like I'm doing enough. This has been a life-long struggle. I'm definitely a lot better/healthier now than I was during college and the few years after.

Part of my problem is that I also just want to do everything, try everything, be everything. I like to think of myself as a life learner and someone who is very experiental. I get bored if I have to do the same thing for a long period of time, so I like taking on lots of different responsibilities and jobs because it keeps things interesting....I want to start things, create things, dream and envision better ways of living in the world and empowering others to do great things in the world too!!

The problem in all of this is that I'm a 28 year old who has no idea where to go next, what to do, and who to do it with. I'm doing the chaplaincy thing to buy me sometime to figure it out. I have all these dreams, grand ideas, but I am realizing that if I don't start doing some of them, then what's the point, who cares, am i wasting time?

My parents, older friends, and most adults for that matter think I just need to pick something and start working. "Make a career for yourself" The problem with this is I worry that I will get bored, and what if I don't pick the right thing!? What if I want to do something different 5 years later!? Is that okay? What if I spend the rest of my life jumping from one great opportunity to another, never having a steady income, or place to call home!? Is that okay? Do I even really want that lifestyle? (anxiety over money sucks, so there's def a big part of me that is scared of that way of living-but is that when I just need to have a little more faith!)

haha, luckily for me, chaplaincy is going to force me to deal with all these questions, doubts, and concerns. and after the next two weeks, maybe I'll be one step closer to a next step...